


On the end

by orphan_account



Series: Crack-Tastic! [1]
Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: AHAHAHA why did I write this, Crack, I just wanted to write crack okay, M/M, did i mention crack, lots and lots of crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-27
Updated: 2013-03-27
Packaged: 2017-12-06 17:10:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/738094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erebor is not reclaimed, so the dwarves make a new kingdom.</p><p>Bilbo doesn't like where they've made it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On the end

"What the hell?" Bilbo screamed. It was bad enough having thirteen dwarves come into his house, raid his pantry, and get mud on his mother's jewelry box, but there were more dwarves here than Bilbo could even begin to count. His head swam at the idea.

"Bilbo," Thorin said, wrapping an arm around and his shoulder and kissing the top of his head. "You're just in time for the crowning?"

"The crowning?" Bilbo was both angered and just plain fucking confused.

At that moment, Fili and Kili ran up, waving their arms around in the air. Each had some of Bilbo's mother's jewelry on their arms and around their necks.

"Get that off!" Bilbo screamed.

"But we like it," Kili said.

"Yes, it's very nice!" Fili added.

"Put it away this instant!" Bilbo turned back to Thorin. "What the hell is going on? And what in Eru Iluvatar's name are all these dwarves doing at my house?"

"Didn't you hear?" Kili asked. "Since we couldn't reclaim Erebor from Smaug (and oh how Bilbo remembered that; it had taken months for his foot hair to grow back) we needed a new kingdom."

"And what better place than Bag End?" Fili said. "It was certainly very large!"

"My home is not big enough for an entire kingdom of dwarves!" Bilbo yelled.

"Everyone seems just fine now," Fili said. "I'm sure in no time at all the kingdom will flourish."

Bilbo ground his teeth together. All around them were sights of horror. The dwarves were spilling tea all over Bilbo's floor, putting his books while still open causing the spine to damage instead of just putting in a bookmark, making fun of the paintings of Bilbo's family on the wall, mocking the quilts Bilbo left around the house that his grandmother had spent hours making, and tracking mud everywhere. Bilbo was surprised that he hadn't already fainted.

"Everyone!" Thorin roared above the loud noise. The dwarves all stopped what they were doing and turned to face their king, all in respectful silence. "Please be respectful in and of the new kingdom. My consort would like it to be treated well."

The dwarves all nodded, then did their best to treat Erebor well. By dwarf standards, well wasn't very good. They were still rather rude, but they didn't purposefully drop plates. But they were still also very, very loud.

"What's with this consort business?" Bilbo asked.

Thorin laughed. "Well it was only the natural next step in our relationship."

"But if anyone's the king's consort," Bilbo said, "it's you."

Thorin looked confused. "What do you mean?"

Bilbo ignored him. "Dwarves!" he screamed, forcing them all to turn to him. "You will treat my house respectfully or so help me I will send you screaming to Mahal!"

They ignored him.

Bilbo scowled, then turned to Thorin. "I can't even be king of my own hobbit hole!"

Thorin laughed, then pulled him in for a hug. He kissed the top of Bilbo's head. "Don't worry, soon enough I'm sure you'll be ruling us all with only a wooden spoon at your side. Until then, I plan to take full advantage of my power."

Bilbo mentally cursed Smaug, and then cursed himself for not being able to defeat the dragon. No, he had new plans now, and it was taking back Erebor so his house wouldn't have to be a dwarf kingdom. Not even the Tookishness in him would stand for this!

"I've found our new line of trade!" a dwarf woman called, then held up a doily. She started to sing and soon the whole house must have joined in.

Bilbo covered his ears, then went back to his Smaug killing plans. Maybe if he got a spear. . .

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I saw a thing on Tumblr showing the actual size of Bag End and I was like "Holy shit, what a big fucking house".


End file.
